tBS – Home is Where…

Title: Home is Where…
Author: Saydria Wolfe
Fandom: MCU, Inception, mention of Kingsman
Characters: Tony Stark, Arthur/Eames
Prompt: Ass
Word Count: 806
Warning: No beta >.> though I might have smoothed it out since I posted it originally
Author’s Note: How many headcanons can I fit into less than a thousand words?
Summary: Tony shows his ass and finds rather belatedly that he is finally among his people.



“So I hear you’re Agent, son of Agent.”

The skinny kid is an honest to god three-piece suit looks up at him and raises both eyebrows. “I prefer Arthur, son of Philip. Or perhaps Darling, Son on Coulson.”

“Uh, uh, uh,” A sassy british accent tuts at them. “Only I get to call you darling, Darling.”

“Eames,” Arthur sighs at the much bigger man.

“Come now, darling, I gave you all the required specificity in our wedding vows.”

“Eames?” Tony asks incredulous, “Like the chair?”

“Lounge,” He is primly corrected.

“Okay, Chair Bear, are we ready to go?”

“No,” Darling says, rolling his eyes. “We’re waiting for the rest of the group. Isn’t that right Darcy, Daughter of Philip?”

Dr. Foster’s feisty little friend Sparky looks up from where she is actively flirting with Romanov and smiles. “Of course, brother-mine. You are always right.” She tilts her head to one side. “What did I just agree to?”

“That you’re waiting for us,” Agent Coulson answers as he enters the room trailing several other agents and Captain Tight Pants and Sad Panda the Sidekick. The look he shoots Tony orders him to stop showing his ass.

It’s challenge accepted from there, really.

“You’re all part of Taser Family?” Tony asks, amusedly outraged. “Really? And you didn’t tell me?”

“Taser Family?” Chair Bear asks with a grin.

“Considering how our first meeting it is arguably fitting,” Son of Suit mutters.

“And ours,” Sparky adds. “I don’t think dad’s tased you though.”

“Oh he has,” Chair Bear grins, obviously charmed.

What are we actually doing here?” Rogers asks sharply.

“Eames and I are here to tear through SHIELD’s Sub Security Team to prove that we should be the ones teaching high-level assets the ins and outs of dream sharing and security.”

“And I’m here because I married a BARF to PASIV so we can watch their dreams in real time and I don’t let people play with my toys without me.”

“Barf? Passive? What’s sub security?”

“Subconscious Security. Without it extractors -like Arthur and I- can use PASIV to slip into your dreams and steal all your secrets.” Eames explains. “A good team can take everything you know and leave you not even knowing anything happened other than a really good nap.”

Steve looks momentarily horrified, “Who came up with something like this?”

“The United States Government.” Eames answers flatly. He rolls his eyes and continues after Arthur clears his throat pointedly. “Well, the United States Government weaponized it. It was originally designed by a multi-national team as a therapeutic technique to help patients recover from the mental effects of V-Day.”

Steve nods, “I’ve read about V-Day.”

“Be glad you weren’t awake yet,” Someone towards the back mutters darkly and Tony winces.

Richmond Valentine had fucked over a lot of people that day, in a lot of ways, without the courtesy of lube or the reach around. Including, perhaps especially SHIELD, as the then-Director Alexander Pierce and several of his most trusted agents all lost their heads during the event and in the end revealed just how deeply Hydra has infected the organization. That’s how he got recruited to the agency. And how Capsicle and Panda wound up found and rescued all those years ago.

Thankfully he hadn’t let his competition’s phones or SIM cards near any of his properties or business over what many thought to be misplaced, probably drunken, jealousy. It hadn’t been and he’d gotten to sleep through V-Day too.

“How does PASIV work?” Steve asks, resolutely ignoring the Mutterer.

“PASIV in conjunction with a chemical called Somnacin allows everyone connected to the machine to share a single dream. The dream is held and the map the dream happens on is controlled by the Dreamer. Everything populating that map -the data and people or projections– are created by the Subject. Additional personnel can enter the dream and interact with the environment and its populous for any number of purposes, including therapy as originally intended or theft which you’ve already been told Eames and I excel at.”

“Now, dreams happen much faster than reality,” Eames takes up the thread. “So we’ll go down with SHIELD’s Dream Team several times, two and a half minutes real time a pop, and go through several different scenarios Agent Coulson has selected but not yet shared with any of us. For us in the dream these will be half-hour events. Hopefully not long enough to traumatize the poor little dears.”

Several SHIELD dreamers scoff and Tony can’t help but grin. “BARF will give us super fast forward videos of the dreams the first time. Just enough to confirm for everyone the true conclusion, then we’ll have an old-fashioned movie night and watch them on regular play.”

Sparky smirks at him and rests on arm on his shoulder. “Will there be popcorn?”




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